As I write this I should offer a disclaimer: Currently, I am off, I suffer from intermittent anxiety and depression so on days like today, I tend to forget how to be mindful, or maybe I just don’t have the energy.
So today, my mindfulness begins with writing this blog. Sometimes sticking with something you’ve committed to is mindfulness, however, I’m secretly hoping by the end I will see it feel a little bit better. I have always had a yearning of needing more, unsure really what that meant. More healing, more being present, more self-love… more mindfulness I honestly didn’t even know that word, or what it actually meant.
For as long as I can remember, I believe I have been on the search. Countless books, yoga practices, and a dash of meditation. Not realizing there is no clear cut path, no perfect recipe. There are, however, lots of setbacks, disappointments, and beating myself up because it wasn’t some perfectly. I gave up… A LOT.
Fast forward to my second marriage, the second set of stepchildren, and a lot more life experience, somehow my search for mindfulness has shifted… It is a practice. My two youngest children lost their mother 6 years ago and I have apprehensively stepped into the “mom” role.
I never wanted to be a mother because of the overwhelming responsibility of knowing every decision you make as a parent is contributing to shaping these tiny humans. But we get what we need, and while we always have the gift of choice, the universe ultimately knows what we need.
These children have been the catalyst to my deeper journey into being mindful. Knowing I am responsible for the example I set, not only as a mother but as a woman I do not take lightly. Sometimes to the point where I create more anxiety within myself.
Cue mindful practices… I strive daily to meditate ( and if I cannot I focus on my breath to keep me grounded) I write almost daily. Gratitude lists, writing prompts, ask for guidance, or rewrite meaningful prayers or affirmations I find useful are a few of my favorite things. I also have created an altar in my bedroom where I burn candles, pull oracle cards asking for guidance that day, create crystal grids based on my spiritual needs.
My journey has not always been easy. Perhaps I will write another entry to let you into my life a little deeper and show you that while we are all unique, we are all very much the same. I will say this, no matter the life I have lived, I am realizing and learning to accept that we all have our specific journeys, our experiences are always for our highest and greatest good ( even when it doesn’t seem like it).
We are here to learn and grow, had I not lived the life I have, I would not be the woman I am today. There is no final destination, there is only the path of winding roads with hopefully more than a few smooth intervals. Where joy and pain can sometimes be intertwined leaving us breathless.
Mindfulness to me is knowing that all of this is temporary and none of it is in vain. Knowing all of it is for my greatest good hiding me toward my life’s purpose.